It’s okay That you didn’t know all these things sooner.
The experiences you have had with your challenging child are okay,
and you don’t need to judge yourself for it.
If only I had known this sooner…
Sometimes when I learn a new tool, I think if only I’d known this sooner, it would’ve prevented so many problems.
Then I start judging all the things I did wrong parenting my challenging child.
In Tibet, they do not have a word that equals guilt.
Instead, they have a word that means
“Intelligent regret that decides to do something differently.”
This is a much more useful energy!
When I had the experience when Devon was 10 years old and we both healed from the birth trauma, we had experienced,
there was this amazing, powerful shift between us and in his behavior.
I was so upset that I hadn’t figured this out sooner. We had tried so many things and I felt like we had wasted all this time and energy.
It took me a while to realize, that for whatever reason, we both actually needed this experience, and we both had learned a lot from it.
It propelled me forward
Just like his birth, which was an emergency cesarean at 34 weeks,
made me passionate about becoming a childbirth educator and a birth doula.
This healing experience
made me passionate about learning more and creating so much more healing in our lives,
and then in the lives of those around me.
It made me passionate about helping those with birth trauma and challenging kids.
Sharing a tool does NOT mean I have perfected using it.
When I learn a tool, and then I share it,
it isn’t that I have perfected using that tool.
It’s just something I have found helpful at some point in my parenting career.
I recognize that often when we learn a new tool or learn about something our internal judge, might pop up and we might actually get in a spin judging ourself and get sucked down into despair or hopeless feelings, or even just under that mom guilt umbrella that can feel so big.
If you notice that, I want you to stop and recognize what is happening and take a deep breath and do a PQ rep! (listen to the podcast episode around 4 minutes and I will walk you through one option.)
Judge Saboteur
I’ve named my judge Miss Judgey Pants, because she is very sassy.
Some people’s judges are very mean or grumpy, and some are super stealthy.
I’ve had some clients that are like, I don’t have a judge. And then as they learn how to be aware, they’re like,
“oh my gosh, I do have a judge. It’s just so stealthy. I had never noticed it before.”
This is why my mental fitness bootcamp is so great because it will help you to be aware of when your judge or other saboteurs are coming up.
I made mistakes and that is OK
Once you are present and aware, you can say, yes.
In the past I made mistakes and that is okay.
Or yes, it’s true. In the past I did not know that tool and I wish I did.
This is the helpful question!
I am here in this moment, with a new tool.
What do I want to do now?
And that is a helpful question.
What do you want to create, now?
It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, what matters is what you’re going to do in this moment.
I have some other questions that can help to shift you into this more accepting energy.
- How would it feel to make a new and better choice?
- With this information I have now, how would it feel to know that I can create a new experience with my child?
- How would it feel to stay calm and confident in this situation?
- How would it feel to try this new tool the next time a challenging situation comes up?
Pick one and try it, know there may be resistance!
Pick one and say it after you do your PQ rep and just shift out of that judgment and the guilt and shift into hope and curiosity. How would it feel?
And I know it will take practice. As with anything else new, you try.
Also know that your child may not respond the way you hope for the first few times you try a new tool.
It can be confusing to them when you respond differently than you usually do, and they may actually fight against it, and that’s OK.
It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying the tool, rather just know it’s they’re feeling,
“Huh, this is different. I don’t understand that and I’m going to push against it and see what happens.”
So again, you just need to be doing your PQ reps and staying calm and responding the way you are choosing to.
Remembering that each experience allows all of us to learn.
Their challenges are our classroom
Our children are our greatest teacher. Their challenges are our classroom and we’re going to learn together, and it will be okay.
Just remember that wonderful alternative definition of guilt,
intelligent regret that decides to do something differently.
Take what you have learned through the tips, that I’ve shared or anything else that you’ve learned from your resources
Then
Quiet your judge.
Quiet your guilt and say,
“I’m glad I learned this. Now how do I want to apply it?”